Disappointment

Last Wednesday D came by for his usual visit.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a very good one.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was good.  Had myself a nice handful of orgasms.  He came twice. But it was missing something.

It dawned on me later… it was missing the ZING.

You know… that amazing chemistry I talked about here.  I began to ponder why that was.  I mean, I get that everyone has that occasional “off” night.  But what exactly was it that made it an “off” night.  Was it me?  Was it him?  

My mind began to wonder over the possibilities.

Was it possibly that I’ve become bored with regular sex?  The boy and I talk about kink often (yes... I’m still completely fascinated with it all), and really share almost the exact same fantasy.  We also truly understand all the limiting factors making it an impossible dream at the moment.  But we find tastes of it here and there with all the different men we play with.  So I had to wonder if maybe the craving of the fantasy was starting to outweigh the cravings for good old fashion sex.  

But when really thinking about that night, I realized… no.  There were moments in there when the sex was great.  The orgasms would start building the way they always do with D, but they weren’t being built up like usual.  Then I realized something.  It was because he was slowing down.  Worn out.  The stamina was missing.  

Now… I’m not dumping D over one bad night, especially when you factor in the fact that he just recovered from a broken foot.  But I was really disappointed when he left… almost not sure I even wanted another night with him.  After realizing what the issue was, I became curious as to why I was so disappointed.

I think I’m turning into a sex snob!

Sex for me has always been like an exploration of the senses.  Everything I see, hear, smell, taste and feel.  Every encounter was always something new, something different.  I would generally go into it with little to no expectations and just enjoyed where things led.  Like a fun little adventure.  No plan, no map, no script.  Adventures never disappointed me.  

But with the cuckolding, I’m finding my selfish side is really coming out.  Not that I’m leaving my studs high and dry, or leaving my boy out in the cold.  It’s more that I understand more and more what I really like and I’m only interested in those encounters that give me what I want.  My recent encounter with D wasn’t giving me the mind blowing orgasms I’d grown used to.    I wanted that, I expected that… I didn’t get it.  I wanted to pack up my toys and go home.  I was disappointed.  Worse yet… I felt unsatisfied.

What’s funny is that, while the disappointment sucks… I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I really like the fact that I’m getting what I want more often than not.  I like the fact that I feel ok with being selfish.   But it’s a scary door to open.  It’s one of those doors you know is a fundamental shift to one’s foundation.  Those moments in life when you realize your shedding what you were in favor of what you’re becoming.   The scary part is not knowing where the shift will end.