The flame just burns.

Sitting here in the evening air, a mesmerizing fire warming my toes, a cool breeze at my back gently offsetting the heat, and Natalie Merchant cooing in my ear, I’m lost in thoughts of tenderness and love.  The kind of a protective mother bear, who tries fiercely to stave off even the bad emotions.

My boy got a bit of bad news earlier today.  The kind of news that comes wrought with emotions, too many and varied to process all at once.  To sit with my boy as these emotions played through his being, was a journey in and of itself for me.  Letting the instincts take over, I realize once again why we fit so well together.  Taking the thought out of my reactions led to one of the most memorable moments (for me at least) in a very long time.  Sometimes I need to remember to just shut the mind down and let things flow naturally. 

The Brat...

Not to sell my boy down the river as some awful selfish boy that I’m just a fool to stay with.  He really is a sweet, thoughtful man, who even at his worst, bends over backwards to make sure we are well taken care of.  But he is a switch, whose dominant tendencies have a habit of coming out at some of the most inconvenient times.  He is also, in many ways, a bit childish in his playfulness… that often leads him to going too far.  These are not traits I want to quash out of him, as they are an integral part of the man I fell in love with.  Keeping them in check is in part the responsibility I took on back when I agreed to lead.

Being a new Domme, left me a bit short on the tricks of the trade side of things.  Early on, we were both very aware of this, and he stayed on his best behavior as a way of helping me along.  Commitments were simpler at the time and exploring D/s and BDSM was really our priority.  Of course, there were still moments, but easily controllable given the focus it got.

After we bought our home and moved in, our focus shifted into more of a domestic/vanilla mode.  The D/s was there, but became more of something we were turning on and off, instead of the steady hum we had going before.  It left us both feeling off and resulting in us both pushing and pulling each other in the wrong way.  His form of pushing happens to be a bit bratty and bullish.  But instead of reacting in anger, I went into ignore mode.  See, I’m actually a pretty passive person.  Passive in the sense, that I don’t throw the first punch, I don’t talk much smack (well, outside of a football field that is), and I find the best and ultimate way to deflate someone is to simply turn heels and walk away, ignoring their futile attempts to draw you back in.  Now I have no problem standing up for myself.  But there’s a strange confidence that comes from knowing you are stronger then every woman you’ve ever met and nearly a third of the men I come across. Since most verbal arguments lead to either someone walking away, or a physical confrontation… I find it simple to walk away early, since I already know chances are good I’d win the physical.  I’m also one of those that doesn’t put much stock into what other people perceive me as.  Nasty rumors are easily squashed by staying true to me and charming the pants off of those around me. 

The ying and yang of how we were dealing with this left us heading in opposite directions.  I found taking the break that we did, very beneficial to noticing our patterns, realizing what was going on, but still at a loss at how to get us back on track.  Our talk on Saturday was productive in that I finally was able to articulate what was going wrong in a way he could finally understand.  Once we could both agree on the major issues, it wasn’t too difficult to plan a way to get us past this and back on track.  There is compromise on both parts, as I feel there should always be when dealing with relationship issues.  Things have been very sweet and perfect for the last couple of days, and while I know there are plenty of bumps still ahead, I feel more confident about heading things off at the pass and keeping us on the right track.  Admittedly, it feels really good to be back in the driver’s seat.

Welcome Home!

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks in the household.  Work became insane, as we both were working crazy schedules and very long days and nights.  We did manage to meet the new couple, S and A.  We had such a good time; we actually had them over again last night.  A’s been dropping hints of wanting a bit of a push, so my boy and I had fun introducing her to our swing and choreographing some very hot and intense scenes with all four of us.  

I’m also pleased to announce, my boy is officially back in my collar.  After a very long and productive conversation on Saturday, we seemed to have finally been able to identify the issues that were causing us issues.  We also spent a good deal of time addressing ways to get pass the issues.  The major theme of the conversation?  Balance!  We are two very busy people, with a lot of commitments pulling us in every direction.  Learning how to balance it all, and do so TOGETHER, was essentially the end result.   I have to admit, for the first time in months, I feel like we are back on the same page and heading in the same direction.  Such a nice feeling.

Since we had a play date with S & A later that evening, we postponed the post conversation play/recollaring till Sunday morning.  We awoke still feeling a nice after glow from the night before.  A had been a bit nervous (still have no idea why), but with a little sweet talking and gentle touching, she warmed up very quickly and ended the night with the most spectacular of finishes… though that story for another time!  We enjoyed some sweet touches and gentle teasing as we both woke up and gained our senses.  Shoving him off to the showers, while I prepped, I found myself smiling that devious smile once again.  Once he came back down, there was some gentle loving, sexy teasing and then dragging him up to the bedroom by his penis (I swear I need to find a quick, easy penis leash as this is most delicious in my book!).  There he reaffirmed his desire to serve and his dedication to do better, followed by a nice round of body worship to back up his words.  Once satisfied, I locked his collar back around his neck, declaring him mine once again.

Just as the smile crept over both our faces, I unceremoniously slammed him face down on the bed.  Tying him up spread eagle, I then announced it was time to release him of his bad behaviors over the last few months and teach him the new rules of the house.  With my hands, I drove home the point that his passive/aggressive tendencies will no longer be tolerated.  With his cheeks turning a lovely pink shade and his squirming at just the right level.  It was time to pull out the apology promise he gave to me nearly a year before.  It’s a simple paint stick, in which the words “I’m sorry Mommy, I’ll be good” was written in his hand, after a bratty spell of his.  Declaring it a broken promise in need of retribution, his ass was spanked with it numerous times as he repeated the mantra out loud.  I didn’t stop till I was satisfied he truly meant it.  Up next, the dreaded paddle to teach him the new rules going forward.  Emphasizing each rule with a swift smack, and then additional smacks while he recited the rules, helped insure these rules would be taken as lightly as rules of the past.  His cool down was a nice flogging that continued till I felt my annoyance had been satisfied and retribution paid in full.  Clean slate I said as I let him up… snuggled him closely and gave him a short break before fun time started.

Down stairs to the basement and the swing... where he was hoisted up, ass prominately presented (a warm, lovely shade of red I might add).  There I proceeded to take my sweet time, play with the one part of his body that makes him squeal just so, that it makes me melt!  Welcome back home baby!

Kinky kind of week

Looks like this week is turning into the nice kink filled kind.  D's coming by tomorrow and it looks like we're meeting a new couple on Wednesday.  She sounds soo yummy, I just can't wait to get a hold of her.

Welcome back D!

D came by for what turned out to be a nice, long, wonderful visit that capped our weekend quiet nicely.  After having so much fun at the hotel with him and R, we figured it was worth a shot to see how well he could keep up on his own.  Let me just say… he didn’t disappoint!

Deciding to let it all hang out... we set up the table and emptied out the toy bag.  Essentially putting it all out there and on display to see what may come of it all.  Admittedly, D enjoyed checking it all out, but didn’t really brave pulling anything out.  Though he did have fun watching us using the toys.

Of course, prior to D’s arrival, we spent the morning/afternoon getting ready.  Being our first day without kids, my boy was due his weekly review and spankings.  Bent over the bed, I had fun using my hands, paddle and flogger to turn his backside a nice crimson red.   What was actually a bit comical was that he fell asleep during the flogging, ass perfectly balanced in the air.  Of course, I took advantage of the fact that he wasn’t whining at all and just had fun playing around with it all.  I finally quit when I got worried about him getting a kink in his neck from lying that way for too long.  I then had him dress me in the nice white peek- a- boo teddy and white thigh high stockings.  I dressed him in only his collar and leash.  We head down stairs, where I laid him across my lap and took my sweet time stretching his ass out nice and wide. Of course, as I tend to do, I got carried away a bit.  I was having so much fun making my boy moan and groan, that I lost track of time.  D walked in, right about the time I had a fistful of hair in one hand and the base of a butt plug (which was buried in his ass of course) in the other.  D just cracked a smile and said “I see you couldn’t wait to get started either!”

Things started off a bit slowly as we tried to start the night off with the swing, but I think D was a bit over eager to be patient to get things adjusted right (he literally took me right on the basement floor! LOL)… so we abandoned the swing and headed straight for the bed.  For nearly two and half hours, the sex was non-stop.  In every position possible.  We soaked the entire bed and everyone was an exhausted pile of goo, when I finally called for a break.  We headed back downstairs and lounged lazily on the couch, completely naked.  Though, that didn’t last long, as D’s hand just couldn’t help but wander everywhere.  Next thing I know, D’s announcing he wants to try the swing as he’s pulling me down to the basement.  For another hour and a half, D learned why we love that damn swing so much.  At one point, I was literally high on endorphins as wave after orgasmic wave passed over me.  Then right before D came, he pulled out a literally exploded inside my boys mouth.  Fucking Beautiful!

While, we are not calling the hunt off, we had an amazing time!  So much so, that D is going to be my valentine tomorrow night!  Mmmmmm

So where have we been for the last few months?

  To be honesty, we sort of took a break from the D/s side of things.  We had a lot of changes going on in the year and a half we’ve been together and somewhere in there, a misstep was taken.  Things were getting more and more frustrating for both of us and that resulted in a bit too much pushing and pulling.  I could see things spiraling in the wrong direction, but was at a loss as how to right the ship again.  So after a long discussion, where it became apparent we weren’t even on the same page anymore, I called a halt to it. After a few months of reflecting, it really boiled down to both of us failing at balancing everything that was pulling us in opposite directions.  During those times when work got hectic and/or the kids were here, we weren’t doing a very good job at maintaining the undertones of the D/s dynamic that made it easier to enjoy our free time.  Erratic schedules made it hard to plan anything, leaving me frustrated and feeling ignored.  Long durations of no play or enforcement, left his submission tucked neatly in some drawer.

Don’t get me wrong, we would have moments; wonderful moments where the world would synch together perfectly and we’d have an evening that left us longing for more.  Plus at the core, the relationship itself was sound.  There was too much good between us to let something like a power struggle ruin it.  But I just felt like the D/s was all pretend, and on his terms… which just smacked me hard as not something I wanted to be a part of.

We left the kink in.  THAT we are good at.  Scenes between us are just HOT and yummy.  Why on earth should we stop that?  Plus part of me thought what if maybe that’s enough.  Just bedroom games, that got really kinky and wild all over the house.  Did we really need the 24/7 D/s?  But I left one caveat; it was up to him to initiate sex or play. 

What first shocked me was how quickly the frequency of play took a quick dive.  Almost like he didn’t know how to ask, or maybe couldn’t.  He wasn’t like that when we first met.  While it wasn’t outright asking, he sure knew how to tease me just right… if he was looking for something.  Once in awhile, I wouldn’t take the bait, just to keep him on his toes.  But it never stopped him from trying and I found that soo cute.   But when it was actually up to him, it was almost like it all completely lost it’s luster.

The sex took longer to dwindle off.  Though probably more so because my sex drive always kept that humming a bit.  It was hard not to pounce him once in awhile.  But it began to feel like something was missing and I noticed my drive dwindling too. 

And then it happened.  One morning I woke up a bit ticked off.  he had woken up earlier and had already wandered downstairs.  I was horny and he was gone, and that just kinda struck a bad cord with me.  As I came downstairs, he looked at me and said “I miss having a submissive”

I just stopped and looked at him and fired back, “Yeah?  Me Too!”  I saw that flash of recognition in his eye and knew he knew exactly what I meant.

But he replied back “I miss morning BJs”

To which he got another “Me Too!” from me.  He dropped the whole conversation right there.  It hung there for a couple of weeks.  You could feel a slight change of energy.  Then came the talk.  He wanted it back, and I admitted I did to.  But I knew we still have things to work on, figure out.  So we are trying to figure a few things out .  We’ve decided to give chastity (via device) another try and we still need to sit and talk about some other issues.  So I’m trying to decide if I should just grab the bull by the horn and take it back, or maybe should we just ease into it again and build a solid foundation.  My head says go slowly, but that damn devil side is screaming to just go take it…. DO IT NOW!

Wonder which one ends up winning out.