Friday, January 18, 2013

Out like a hurricane, in like a lion?

It’s been an interesting couple of months.  Recovery has been going well and I’ve been feeling back to normal for the last couple of weeks.  Not out of the woods yet, but for a brief moment, I want to enjoy what I can, while I can.

Admittedly, I found I struggled quite a bit with my dominance during the downtime.   When left with too much time and absolutely NOTHING to do, I can get very lost inside my head.  Add to that, the medical issues I was dealing with had effectively rocked my foundation and feeling very vulnerable and weak. I was stuck in a process of self-reflection and not feeling very proud about certain aspects of my life. Talk about a confidence shaking process.  

As a result, my boy began to struggle with his submission to me as well.  The friction was subtle.  It wasn’t like he turned into a selfish, lazy boy.  Quite the contrary.  He was, for all intents and purposes, a very good partner.  Immediately after surgery.. he was an absolute gem.  But as I began to heal and became more self-sufficient, his attentiveness waned, his focus turned to work, and his sassiness started creeping over the line.  

The end result was a nasty explosion of words.  Unfairly, my boy bore the brunt of the blast. It lasted for nearly a week.  We came out the other side, a little battered and bruised, but intact.   Without rambling on endlessly… the whole incident highlighted a major hole in our D/s foundation.  That passive part that you fall back on when the active parts have to be put on hold.  We both realize it’s there, but fixing it isn’t an overnight process.

For now, we’ve decided to keep things status quo, but to be more conscious of our interactions.  For his part… to be a little less resistant and more aware of his submission to me.  For my part, being more conscious of us and how we interact until I can create a more formal, written description of the hows, whats and whys.  I’m not sure I would go so far as a formal contract, but at least something more concrete that we can fall back on and purposefully adjust when life throws the curve balls. 

It also gave interesting meaning to the New Years and the whole starting fresh mantra.  The last three weeks have been amazing, as we’ve been able to get life back to normal.  The physical aspects are back to bridge the gap and the consciousness has added a wonderful dimension to things.  Though admittedly, the New Year got off to an ominous start… but that story for another time.

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