Trust in Me

After the whole cuffs fiasco, I was pleased when just a few days later he came begging for a little play.  I knew he understood my intent.  Trying hard to give me whatever little bit he was capable of.  Such a sweet token of trust.  

You see, part of our discussions the previous month had been over his holding back, not quite letting go of that last bit of control I needed.  Now given where we started, this was understandable.  Neither one of us had any idea exactly where I would lead us when we first started.  I had a lot to learn, things to discover, and societal habits that needed breaking.  Early on, it was clear he maintained a measure of control himself.  I didn’t mind, as it gave me a sense of comfort while I explored this new side of me.  AS time went on though, there were times when we played that he would completely let go.  During those times, I felt a sense of ownership, complete control.  As I came across this feeling more often, I wanted it more often.   I wanted it ALL the time.  But deep down I knew he had to finish letting go.

So for him to come to me while injured, hurting… trusting that I wouldn’t harm him, was a big deal for us both.   I could have chosen to let him heal more, but I knew it would do us more good to show the trust was well placed.  So of course we played… I’m really just that insatiable.  While I took great care to not aggravate the knee, or cause any pain in the area… I also enjoyed removing his mind from the pain for a while, as I pegged the hell out of his cute little ass.

Wear and Tear

I often joke about breaking my toy, but the reality is he’s usually just sore, bruise and simply worn out.  A couple days recovery and he’s good as new.  The truth is I take great care not to truly harm my boy, but sometimes… sometimes… shit just happens.

I had been waiting till New Year’s Eve to break our moratorium on play since the surgery, but he beat me to the punch a couple days before hand.  It’s tough for me to resist that sweet face he puts on when he wants something bad enough and I really wasn’t stuck on breaking the ice on New Year’s.  I mean, it wasn’t like I couldn’t do it all over again two days later.  He squirmed across the couch to cuddle up to me and wiggle his head up under my arm.

“Will you please tie me up mommy?  I thought you might enjoy it down in the basement”

The basement meant only one thing, hanging him from the rafters.  I could feel my engine begin to rev at thought.  I always loved the way it keeps everything in easy reach, him standing there, spread eagle, nothing to block my access from either side.

“Yes, the basement would be nice.  And the swing.  We need to setup the swing.”

The twinkle in his eye was all I needed.  I pushed him up off my lap and jumped off the couch to head down to straighten up the basement.  He was on my heels, like a good boy.

Once the basement was all setup, I sent him off to the showers, while I headed to the bedroom for the toys.  As I opened the first toy box, I could feel my mouth begin to salivate.  Oh how I missed my toys.  I think in my head, I would try to gather them ALL up in my arms to carry down stairs… but reason won out and I began selecting items to use as the plan began forming in my head.

“Oh… the paddle ball paddle.  I’m so glad he held on to it. We’ll have to experiment with this one.”

“My new flogger!  My pretty purple flogger.  You’re gathering way too much dust these days.  Though I think you’re too long for the basement.  Hmmmm.  Eh, I’ll take you anyway. “

“But my crop… yes my crop would work VERY well in the basement.  He’s gonna think he’s in for the beating of his life. Bwahahaha”  (yes readers, I do make this very noise in my head!)

The basket slowly began to fill with toys.  Way more than I would ever need.  But with my head… I’ve learned, it’s never too much.

The rest of the night gets more hazy.  I remember sitting on the chair, he was kneeled before me, kissing up my leg with wild abandon.  Then his arms tied to the rafters, spread open wide.  He’s legs too, the spreader bar in place.  That bar was held steady by the ball stretcher, attached by a chain that makes a lovely noise when it wiggles.  Then I was at his side, butt plug fully entrenched in his cute little ass and my hand wrapped tightly around his cock.  I remember really enjoying the paddle ball paddle immensely, but thinking I’d have more fun with him in other positions… so we’ll play with this later.  And as I turned to put the paddle down, I heard the most horrific “CLANCK”.  I turned to see him slumped in the chains.  And just as I turned, an even louder snap and I watched him begin to drop.  I stepped to get in behind him in order to break his fall, but instead of falling backwards, he just slumped straight down.  He crashed hard on his butt and I caught him as he began rolling backwards to keep his head from smashing into the concrete floor.  

The rest of the night is just a blur of me waking him up, assessing the damage, dealing with the pain once it kicked in and getting him warm on the concrete floor once it was apparent that we were gonna be down there for a while.  The final diagnosis was a sprained knee.   He’s healing up, though slower than he would like and I’m constantly slowing him down so nature can do its course.  But it does serve as a reminder of the risks we run, living this way… even when you are careful.  We take good care of our equipment and though the cuffs were a bit old, they showed no signs of wear and tear.  No reason to believe they wouldn’t hold like they had many times before.  Hindsight, we should have replaced them sooner.  

 But it’s so much easier to look back… isn’t it?

Out like a hurricane, in like a lion?

It’s been an interesting couple of months.  Recovery has been going well and I’ve been feeling back to normal for the last couple of weeks.  Not out of the woods yet, but for a brief moment, I want to enjoy what I can, while I can.

Admittedly, I found I struggled quite a bit with my dominance during the downtime.   When left with too much time and absolutely NOTHING to do, I can get very lost inside my head.  Add to that, the medical issues I was dealing with had effectively rocked my foundation and feeling very vulnerable and weak. I was stuck in a process of self-reflection and not feeling very proud about certain aspects of my life. Talk about a confidence shaking process.  

As a result, my boy began to struggle with his submission to me as well.  The friction was subtle.  It wasn’t like he turned into a selfish, lazy boy.  Quite the contrary.  He was, for all intents and purposes, a very good partner.  Immediately after surgery.. he was an absolute gem.  But as I began to heal and became more self-sufficient, his attentiveness waned, his focus turned to work, and his sassiness started creeping over the line.  

The end result was a nasty explosion of words.  Unfairly, my boy bore the brunt of the blast. It lasted for nearly a week.  We came out the other side, a little battered and bruised, but intact.   Without rambling on endlessly… the whole incident highlighted a major hole in our D/s foundation.  That passive part that you fall back on when the active parts have to be put on hold.  We both realize it’s there, but fixing it isn’t an overnight process.

For now, we’ve decided to keep things status quo, but to be more conscious of our interactions.  For his part… to be a little less resistant and more aware of his submission to me.  For my part, being more conscious of us and how we interact until I can create a more formal, written description of the hows, whats and whys.  I’m not sure I would go so far as a formal contract, but at least something more concrete that we can fall back on and purposefully adjust when life throws the curve balls. 

It also gave interesting meaning to the New Years and the whole starting fresh mantra.  The last three weeks have been amazing, as we’ve been able to get life back to normal.  The physical aspects are back to bridge the gap and the consciousness has added a wonderful dimension to things.  Though admittedly, the New Year got off to an ominous start… but that story for another time.