Disappointment

Last Wednesday D came by for his usual visit.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a very good one.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was good.  Had myself a nice handful of orgasms.  He came twice. But it was missing something.

It dawned on me later… it was missing the ZING.

You know… that amazing chemistry I talked about here.  I began to ponder why that was.  I mean, I get that everyone has that occasional “off” night.  But what exactly was it that made it an “off” night.  Was it me?  Was it him?  

My mind began to wonder over the possibilities.

Was it possibly that I’ve become bored with regular sex?  The boy and I talk about kink often (yes... I’m still completely fascinated with it all), and really share almost the exact same fantasy.  We also truly understand all the limiting factors making it an impossible dream at the moment.  But we find tastes of it here and there with all the different men we play with.  So I had to wonder if maybe the craving of the fantasy was starting to outweigh the cravings for good old fashion sex.  

But when really thinking about that night, I realized… no.  There were moments in there when the sex was great.  The orgasms would start building the way they always do with D, but they weren’t being built up like usual.  Then I realized something.  It was because he was slowing down.  Worn out.  The stamina was missing.  

Now… I’m not dumping D over one bad night, especially when you factor in the fact that he just recovered from a broken foot.  But I was really disappointed when he left… almost not sure I even wanted another night with him.  After realizing what the issue was, I became curious as to why I was so disappointed.

I think I’m turning into a sex snob!

Sex for me has always been like an exploration of the senses.  Everything I see, hear, smell, taste and feel.  Every encounter was always something new, something different.  I would generally go into it with little to no expectations and just enjoyed where things led.  Like a fun little adventure.  No plan, no map, no script.  Adventures never disappointed me.  

But with the cuckolding, I’m finding my selfish side is really coming out.  Not that I’m leaving my studs high and dry, or leaving my boy out in the cold.  It’s more that I understand more and more what I really like and I’m only interested in those encounters that give me what I want.  My recent encounter with D wasn’t giving me the mind blowing orgasms I’d grown used to.    I wanted that, I expected that… I didn’t get it.  I wanted to pack up my toys and go home.  I was disappointed.  Worse yet… I felt unsatisfied.

What’s funny is that, while the disappointment sucks… I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I really like the fact that I’m getting what I want more often than not.  I like the fact that I feel ok with being selfish.   But it’s a scary door to open.  It’s one of those doors you know is a fundamental shift to one’s foundation.  Those moments in life when you realize your shedding what you were in favor of what you’re becoming.   The scary part is not knowing where the shift will end. 

The Pup

Last Monday night we met the Pup.  A nice young gentleman we’ve been chatting on and off with for over a year.  Though not a shy type, he was a bit timid at first.  So much so, he never even managed to make the first move.  After chatting and drinking for a while, I finally order my boy down on his knees in front of me.  Placing a foot on either shoulder, my boy took his cue and dove in.  Thankfully, the pup opened up beautifully after that, though the tone was set and mama was in charge that night.

While not quite on par with D, the pup turned out to be wonderful in bed with a stamina that almost put F to shame.  What I really enjoyed even more about the Pup, was his complete openness and adventurous manner.  We’ve struggled to find many (any really) who really can handle “us” to the fullest, so we tend to keep the level of our kink at more of a dull roar.   So when the Pup started in such a timid way, I kinda of threw a “WTF” attitude to the evening and didn’t worry so much about the filter.  Much to my surprise, the Pup loved it all.  While not an initiator of any sort, he was enjoying being a full participant.  

I’m not sure if it was his youthful, timid mannerisms and looks, or his open, enthusiastic attitude, but I found myself getting mean and nasty with my boy… and loving every minute of it.  At one point I realized as much as I was talking, the only nice, loving thing I would direct toward the boy was the occasional “Good Boy” in praise of lasting thru the tears and the stress.  

I’ve always wondered if that was inside of me.  Not just capable, but to come to a point I could honestly say those things, and mean it.  When he first asked to be my submissive, my cuckold… I didn’t think I could respect a man I could humiliate so easily.  I’ve found it’s not in my nature to do things that feel fake or scripted.  So I was upfront that I didn’t even think I’d want to.  But, overtime, I’ve found that the more I played with my boy, the more I found things I feel ring true to me, to us. Taunting him a bit became easier until it’s now becomes a fun game I play.  I began to wonder how far I would go?  Would I cross the line to the point of no longer respecting him?  Where would I draw that line? 

But as the night went on, I realized that no line was really needed. No matter how harsh or cruel my words may have been, they were spoken from love.  I could see it in his eyes that he knew it to.  This was our weird, confusing, only to be understood by us, language.  Sappy, I know, but really at the core it’s more like such a complete acceptance of who we really are.  To me, that’s what love really is.

The night itself ended much, much better than I expected when it started.  I see the Pup being some sort of project with all kinds of potential.  The interesting revelations and the fun we had being more ourselves, has me looking forward to his next visit.  I’m curious where I may take things next, and excited at the opportunity to find out.  

 Besides… He was a great fuck with a beautiful cock.

Behind the Tear

I watched as the tear began forming in the corner of your eye.   

A whisper in your ear.  

A slight push to the back of your head.   

The tear rolls down your cheek.  With a finger from my free hand, I trace the path of the tear as I gather it up. I lick it off my finger as I get lost in thought. The gurgling noises, alerts me to release my hand. 

Was it the words I said?

Did I push you to the brink?

Or are simply gagging on the giant cock I’m feeding your right now?

Back to School

For the last couple of weeks around here, life has been relatively vanilla.  Getting the kiddos ready for back to school was dominating the brain cells and left very little for my imagination.  My boy was terrific throughout, handling much of the chore work while I was busy handling the kids.

We did manage to get out of the house one Saturday and ran around town doing a bit of a kinky tour of most of the sex shops around town, followed by a nice dinner out.  Though a shot of tequila and a couple margaritas had me in a silly mood and led to a night full of laughter.  We bought a few new toys, though admittedly, we still haven’t tried many of them out.

We’ve had a great time with the kids, and back to school has gone smoothly, but we are now looking forward to a week of free time to get our “mojo” back.  The boy has been diligently setting up some wonderful entertainment for me this week and his back side has been begging me for attention!

Protest much?

“Please be gentle with me”, you plead in such a small voice.

It isn’t the first time you’ve asked this of me.  It’s no secret I have a voracious appetite.  That I love to use you hard and rough.  But this isn’t the first time you’ve asked me that favor.  Yet every time you’ve begged for me to go easy on you… you then turn around and beg me for more.  It used to confuse me a little, but now it makes perfect sense.  I smile as my mind crafts the right response.

“I promise I’ll be gentle, so long as you don’t egg me on. “

You smile that cheesy grim of yours because you know exactly what I am talking about.

“You know the last few times I’ve bent you over… I’ve started off slow, tried to be sweet.  But you just turn into such a wanton little slut, always begging me for more.  I don’t know how you would expect me to keep it under control with you acting like that.”

“Yes, Mama” Is all you reply.  But the sheepish way you hide your face, let’s me know you realize it’s all true.  You quickly head up stairs to prepare yourself, without having to admit the full truth.  

And yet…

Just an hour and a half later, you’re bent over my bed, begging me to fuck you harder.  Desperately trying to grab hold of me to drive me deeper.  

Just don’t know why you protest so much?!?!

A Life in Review

The month of July has come to a close, and the kids come home today.  So much of what we have been must be tampered down a notch and I know I will miss it.  Though, it will be lovely to be with the kids again and the lively household they bring with them.

We’ve actually had a really nice mix of play this month.  I’ve been cuckolding him on average about 3 times a week.  We’ve had good play sessions (Just him and I) on average twice a week.  I’ve noticed It’s kept me happy and satisfied in a way we’ve struggled with in the past.  He’s been a wonderful boy.  Ever attentive and loving, while still his usual sassy, silly self.  There’s been such an even keel to life around here that everything else seems to be falling into place.  

I wonder and even worry a bit if the extra smack of reality will undo the progress we’ve made.  Though deep down, I know the worry is unnecessary.  Even if we back slide a bit, as much fun as I’ve had in the past month… I know I’ll enjoy getting him back up to par.  Living this life 24/7 has its challenges, but I do so enjoy a good challenge.